PeopleSkills' blog examines human behaviour in the workplace and beyond.
Posts include topics such as individual and team performance, leadership, emotional intelligence, change management, interpersonal relationships, trust, managing conflict, the science of human thinking and behaviour, and other topics relevant to those who strive to improve performance and well-being in the workplace.
Disappointment is often the cause of human misery and interpersonal conflict. It triggers frustration, annoyance, anger, and sometimes even despair.
Disappointment occurs all the time in the workplace. We didn't get the sale, meet targets, get promoted, have our idea adopted, get picked to lead the new project.... Because of its prevalence, managing disappointment well is a core competency that all of us should possess. Managing disappointment badly affects our morale, performance, relationships and ultimately, the company's bottom line.
Key steps to managing disappointment are:
Name it correctly. I don't hear disappointment being mentioned very often in the workplace. Instead, people talk about someone letting them down, teams not working well, someone being inefficient etc. All of these might be true, but at the core, someone's expectations weren't met. So, practice naming it when you recognize disappointment in yourself or others.
Understand that disappointment is the gap between expectations and reality, where expectations exceed reality. Human beings form expectations all the time about everything. That is what gets us up in the morning, and why we go to work each day. If we have no expectations, we might as well just sleep in. So, we won't stop having expectations.
Expect disappointment to occur. I like having big expectations (it helps me achieve a lot), and reality doesn't really care about these expectations of mine, or yours for that matter. However, disappointment will come every day, sometimes many times in a day. When we expect that something could occur, we take steps to manage it. Cars all come with spare tires, tire irons and a jack, because flat tires do happen, and being prepared (expecting it) is better than the alternative. If I expect it might rain today, I carry an umbrella with me. If I expect traffic to be bad, I leave early for the appointment with my client. And, if I expect to be disappointed in some way, I will find tools to deal with that, also.
My experience is that tools and strategies are very personal. What works for me may not work for you, or may not suit your personality, beliefs or values. So, developing strategies for managing disappointment is up to you. A good place to start is to watch how others deal with disappointment and think about what might work for you. And if the strategy you pick fails to live up to your expectations, you get another chance, right then and there, to learn how to manage disappointment.
JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater is garnering a great deal of attention since he had an altercation with an angry passenger (apparently receiving a blow to the head in the process), berated her over the plane's PA system and then opened the emergency exit and slid down the chute.
The Reptilian Brain is responsible for our survival, and as such is deeply concerned with territorial issues. It can also be triggered by other people whose Reptilian Brains are actively controlling their behaviour. It's no excuse, but it appears that Steve's Reptilian Brain was triggered during the encounter with his passenger.
Whether you are a Customer Service rep. dealing with an angry customer, or a CEO who has just received bad news about the last quarter's revenue, managing your own Reptilian Brain is extremely important. Society (i.e. the police in Steve's case), workplaces (JetBlue is investigating) and markets all penalize people - and corporations - that don't display good impulse control. Just look at what the markets did to Cerner Corporation after their CEO sent a particularly angry email to over 400 of his managers: Cerner’s value on the stock market dropped 22 percent - 330 million dollars - in three days!
People with good impulse control rarely become impatient, overreact, lose control, or become angry. Individuals with good scores on the EQ-360 Impulse Control subscale are perceived to be able to resist or delay impulses and defer drives and temptations to act. Impulse Control is a skill that can be learned: awareness is the first step. Learning one or two strategies and practicing them until they become automatic is the next.
This doesn't mean that there is no place for anger or frustration in the workplace. It just means that telling people how your Reptilian Brain feels is more effective than acting on it.
Most of us have areas of our work which can be improved. Thus, it makes sense that people managers should point out to their staff where they are falling short, and help them by telling or showing them how they can improve.
Adult learning theory says that there are four stages of learning:
Unconscious Incompetence: We are not performing well, and don't know it
Conscious Incompetence: We still are not performing well, but are now aware of our shortcomings
Conscious Competence: We know what to do, but can only perform competently when we are actively paying attention and thinking about how to do the activity correctly
Unconscious Competence: We do things the right way without having to think about it
In order to help someone improve, his/her manager needs to know what stage of learning they are in. This is because each stage of learning needs a different approach.
Unconscious Incompetence: The employee needs to be given information about the right way to do the activity along with a simple illustration of the difference between the way he/she is doing it and the correct way. It is important that this be done without judgment, or the employee's Reptilian Brain will take over and the information will be lost. The person giving the feedback needs to have the employee’s respect and to be seen by him/her as an expert in his/her given area. This means that the manager might not be the best person to give the feedback, particularly if they are not a subject matter expert.
Conscious Incompetence: The employee needs gentle reminders from the manager that he/she is still falling back to their old ways, along with praise for sometimes catching the behaviour and an affirmation that they will succeed over time. The manager’s own disappointment and frustration needs to be controlled so these emotions do not show in either their verbal or non-verbal language. A twinkle in the eye and a smile as the manager gives these reminders will keep the employee open to receiving feedback.
Conscious Competence: The manager can give the employee praise and a pat on the back whenever they see the employee performing well. They also may ignore the times that the employee falls back into old habits, as they know that the employee is already aware when they mess up and that practice makes perfect.
Unconscious Competence: The manager can thank the employee for meeting the challenge to improve and for working hard to achieve their new competence, letting them know that they are proud to have them on their team!
In Seth Godin's blog post, So Easy To Talk About Lunch, he suggests that a good way to get things moving at a meeting is to ask what to order for lunch. Suddenly, everyone will have something to contribute. His point is that every time we speak up, we expose ourselves to "social risk" which is a difficult thing to do - unless, of course, you’re only talking about lunch!
Human beings are tribal in nature and, as a result, are hard-wired to care about what other people think about them. Our Limbic System (the part of our brain that manages relationships) is concerned primarily with other people's emotional responses to ourselves, and also with how others see our status within the tribe. Anything that has the potential to lower our status or create a negative emotional response in others is risky.
If we want our peers, reports and partners to speak up about things that really matter, we need to create an environment that lowers social risk.
The most powerful ways that I know for people managers to lower social risk are to:
· Take risks yourself
· Say thank you for all contributions
· Keep your negative judgments to yourself
At worst, you will do no harm, and at best, you will create a trusting environment that invites creativity and the open sharing of ideas.
I just watched President Obama's speech from the Oval Office and thought that he illustrated several key principles that leaders in industry can follow when speaking to their constituents, whether employees, partners, shareholders or customers.
1. People will default to a negative judgment in the absence of sufficient information.
In this speech, Obama described a number of specific actions that the US government is taking regarding the Gulf oil spill, and told the audience who would be responsible for each action. He laid out "the battle plan". This was important, for without specific information, his audience would assume the worst - that there was no plan, or an insufficient plan.
2. Disappointment is the gap between expectations and reality, when reality does not meet our expectations.
Obama made the point of saying "sadly, there will be more damage before this siege is done." In doing so, he was "managing his audience's expectations". Business leaders tend to sound optimistic in the face of challenges. They feel this is necessary to convince shareholders to continue to invest, customers to continue to buy, and employees to continue to feel loyal. In sounding optimistic, they set high expectations ... expectations that are often not met. They therefore, paradoxically, create a feeling of disappointment that then leads to actions from shareholders, customers etc. that hurt the company. Better to manage expectations by creating realistic ones, and then "delighting" people when they are exceeded.
3.Human beings are tribal in nature, and tend to close ranks and exclude those who are not from the same constituency.
President Obama made a point of mentioning fishermen, restaurant owners, residents of the gulf coast, and others in his speech. In doing so, he was inclusive of all possible stakeholders. In this global world, business leaders will do well to practice inclusivity. They never know who will be the next customer or the next partner!
4. Humans like clear direction and hate confusion.
Finally, when he talked about "clean energy" manufactured in America, he set a clear vision for the future. Research shows that people feel most positive about clear visions for the future, and are uncomfortable with indecision or uncertainty. Business leaders who wish to create positive moods in their various stakeholders will do best when they set a clear course for the company, especially when that course is realistic and consistent with the values held by those stakeholders.
JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater is garnering a great deal of attention since he had an 
